이 중에서 몇 개만 확실히 외우면 성공입니다. 욕심을 버려야 합니다. 다 얻으려면 다 잃습니다. 자신에게 와닿는 표현들 몇 개만을 집중적으로 물고 늘어지시기 바랍니다. 선택과 집중! 자신에게 와닿는 표현이란? 자신과 궁합이 맞는 표현입니다. 결국 모든 영어를 다 할 수도 없고, 그럴 필요도 없는 겁니다. 자신과 잘 맞는 것만 선택해서 집중적으로 외우시기 바랍니다. 
 
자신과 궁합이 맞지 않는 표현들은 외워봐야 결국 못 써먹습니다. 입에서 나오지 않습니다. 결국 누구나 자신만의 영어를 할 수 밖에 없는 겁니다. 포기할 것은 빨리 포기하고 얻을 수 있는 것만 얻는 것! 이게 겸손한 방법이요, 산전수전 다 겪은 고수들의 방법입니다. 고수들은 자신의 한계를 분명히 아는 사람입니다. 자신의 한계를 벗어나지 않습니다. 그래서 고수들은 분명한 색깔을 가지고 있습니다. 색깔이 없는 사람은 아직 고수가 아닙니다. 아무 영어나 다 외우려고 하는 사람은 아직 아마추어 입니다.

The One With the Chicken Pox

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally written by Brown Mandell.

Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are there.]

[Rachel brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica who are sitting on the couch.]

RACHEL: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one bananna nut muffin left.

[Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the muffin before Monica can.]

MONICA: Oh, I ordered mine first.

CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster...

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: No.

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.]

MONICA: [She grabs the coffee cup on the table and licks the rim.] There you go, enjoy your coffee.

CHANDLER: That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin.]

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York.

MONICA: [Chandler tries to come back with a smart-ass remark but can't swallow the muffin.] Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow.

PHOEBE: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy.

[Chandler is visibly upset]

RACHEL: You went out with a guy in the Navy?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change.

JOEY: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man?

PHOEBE: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.

RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?

[Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and can't come back.]

MONICA: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.

ROSS: [enters] Hiii.

JOEY: Oh no, what happened?

ROSS: Well, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken pox.

ALL: Oh no.

ROSS: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it.

RACHEL: Well I've had it.

JOEY: Yeah, I've had it.

MONICA: Had it.

CHANDLER: Had it.

PHOEBE: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left out. [Sees a red bump on her arm.] Oh look!

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in her bedroom.]

MONICA: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.

RICHARD: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's Leroy Brown.

[He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts to remake the bed.]

RICHARD: Monica... [He re-enters the bedroom and Monica jumps on the bed, trying to cover it.] Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?

MONICA: Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.

RICHARD: What're you doing?

MONICA: Just waiting for you sweetie.

RICHARD: Are you remaking the bed?

MONICA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine.

RICHARD: Then, you're redoing it because...

MONICA: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.

RICHARD: You're pretty much running that risk either way.

MONICA: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.

RICHARD: Oh, well that's not so crazy.

MONICA: I'm just easing you in.

RICHARD: Oh, alright.

MONICA: Alright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you.

RICHARD: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.

MONICA: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey is there.]

CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.

JOEY: But don't you need experience for a job like that?

CHANDLER: It's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.

SCOTT: [enters] Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections.

CHANDLER: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.

SCOTT: No kidding.

JOEY: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.

SCOTT: Where do you work?

JOEY: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day you're not so much... processing any more.

CHANDLER: I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group.

SCOTT: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...

JOEY: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are all you processors dorks?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are doing Phoebe's makeup.]

RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you.

MONICA: You look fabulous honey, you really do.

PHOEBE: Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.]

RACHEL: You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights.

PHOEBE: I, I, I'm hideous.

MONICA: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnicles on your butt.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ryan is walks up to the door and knocks.]

PHOEBE: Come in.

RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Phoebe is sitting by the window in a veil.]

PHOEBE: Hey Ryan, what's up?

RYAN: What's goin' on?

PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.

RYAN: Chicken or small?

PHOEBE: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.

RYAN: Why aren't you at home in bed?

PHOEBE: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.

RYAN: I'm sorry, I never had 'em.

PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh.

RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.

PHOEBE: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now.

RYAN: Can I please see your face?

PHOEBE: Nope. You don't want to see a face covered with pox.

RYAN: Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldn't care.

PHOEBE: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... [she unveils herself right as a huge lightning bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror.] Oh, I am scary.

RYAN: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely.

PHOEBE: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.

RYAN: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. [He walks to her and kisses her.]

PHOEBE: Ok, this is the most romantic disease I've ever had.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey, how's the first day goin'?

JOEY: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.

CHANDLER: Well there you go.

JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.

CHANDLER: Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?

JOEY: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh?

CHANDLER: Weird world. Your kids?

JOEY: I figure my character has kids.

CHANDLER: Ya know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.

JOEY: Well, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.

CHANDLER: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

JOEY: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did.

CHANDLER: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Ryan are playing Monopoly.]

RYAN: You know what makes the itching even worse?

PHOEBE: That you don't stop talking about it.

RYAN: Fine.

PHOEBE: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. [She picks up the dice.] Here we go, double sixes, here we go... [She starts to rub the dice all over herself.] Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice...

RYAN: What're you doing? Are you scratching?

PHOEBE: No. This is what I do for luck, ok.

RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No.

RYAN: Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No. Here. [Throws them on the table.] There. Ooh, double sixes.

RYAN: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar.

PHOEBE: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.]

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Give it.

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good. [She starts scratching him.]

RYAN: Oh God help me.

PHOEBE: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder.

[They get back to back and start rubbing against each other. Ross and Rachel enter.]

RACHEL: Oh, stop that, stop that right now.

ROSS: You know, I might have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man.

[Scene: Chandler's office building. Joey and Jeannie are talking.]

JOEY: You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it.

JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.

JOEY: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie.

JEANNIE: Bye bye Joey.

JOEY: What a phony.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.

JOEY: Sir.

MR. DOUGLAS: Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna receive the systems report until next Friday?

CHANDLER: Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.

MR. DOUGLAS: I have a family, I'm gonna be here.

JOEY: Yeah Bing, what's that about?

CHANDLER: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.

MR. DOUGLAS: Rough numbers?

JOEY: This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas.

MR. DOUGLAS: Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.

CHANDLER: Uh, if you say so sir.

JOEY: Joseph's good, isn't he?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm going to kill you.

JOEY: Hey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.

CHANDLER: Why?

JOEY: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it. 'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape. Richard is sitting on the bed.]

RICHARD: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too?

MONICA: This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands.

RICHARD: You're strict.

MONICA: It's for their own good.

RICHARD: You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.

MONICA: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular?

RICHARD: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.

MONICA: Very good.

RICHARD: Thank you.

MONICA: You know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do your clocks.

RICHARD: You're gonna do what to my clocks.

MONICA: I'm gonna set them to my time.

RICHARD: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.

MONICA: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?

RICHARD: Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen.

MONICA: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now.

RICHARD: No come on. Come on tell me.

MONICA: No. See you don't understand.

RICHARD: Come on.

MONICA: No. You don't have any of these cute little obsessive things.

RICHARD: No that's not true. That is not true.

MONICA: Oh yeah.

RICHARD: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright, well tell me one of yours.

RICHARD: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.

MONICA: What if they get mixed up?

RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.

MONICA: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing.

RICHARD: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler who covers by pretending to write on the paper.]

JOEY: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you.

CHANDLER: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?

JOEY: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.

CHANDLER: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?

JOEY: Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know.

CHANDLER: Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of you go.

JOEY: What're you talking about, everybody loves Joseph.

CHANDLER: I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up.

JOEY: Oh yeah. Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department.

CHANDLER: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.

JOEY: Karen.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.

JOEY: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.

CHANDLER: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.

JOEY: Really?

CHANDLER: No freakshow, she's fictional.

JOEY: Take it easy. If it means that much to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else.

CHANDLER: Thank you.

JOEY: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Chadler pushes him out the door by the face.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen. Phoebe is sitting at the couch with oven mits on her hands.]

PHOEBE: Can I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch.

RACHEL: No sorry hon, Monica's orders.

RYAN: [Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven mits on his hands.] Well that wasn't easy.

ROSS: Ok, dinner's on.

RACHEL: And there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you.

ROSS: Alright you kids, bye now.

PHOEBE and RYAN: Bye. [waving]

ROSS: Oh look, a low budget puppet show.

PHOEBE: It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up.

[Ross and Rachel leave.]

RYAN: Wine?

PHOEBE: Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mits.]

RYAN: Oh, I spilled some.

PHOEBE: I got it. [Wipes it up with her mits.]

RYAN: [Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.] I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.

PHOEBE: What?

RYAN: Sorry. You look beautiful.

PHOEBE: Oh.

[They start to kiss. They try to get each other's shirts off but can't get the buttons undone.]

PHOEBE: You know what, that's it, that's it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.]

[They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right back out the door.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard and Monica are in bed.]

RICHARD: Monica, wake up. Monica.

MONICA: What's up?

RICHARD: I thought of a thing.

MONICA: Yeah?

RICHARD: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.

MONICA: No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.

RICHARD: Or so I would have you believe.

MONICA: No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.

RICHARD: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.

MONICA: Alright, go on.

RICHARD: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.

MONICA: Oh my God, you're a freak.

RICHARD: Yeah. How 'bout that.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to leave.]

RACHEL: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to?

RYAN: I really can't say.

ROSS: So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?

RYAN: I can't say.

RACHEL: Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys.

RYAN: I'm sorry, but I can't say.

ROSS: Wow, it, it's neat learning about submarines.

RYAN: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight.

PHOEBE: Ok, I'll walk you out.

ROSS: Bye Ryan.

RYAN: Pleasure.

RACHEL: It was nice to meet you.

RYAN: Take care.

[Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.]

RACHEL: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things?

ROSS: You like that do ya?

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: I'll make some calls. [Runs off.]

RACHEL: Ok.

[Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.]

RYAN: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together?

PHOEBE: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.]

RYAN: Taxi.

PHOEBE: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drives off. As Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window and laughs.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing. Ross walks in in a uniform.]

RACHEL: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor.

ROSS: Is this what you had in mind?

RACHEL: I'll say.

[Ross picks her up.]

ROSS: I'm shipping out tomorrow.

RACHEL: Well then uh, we better make this night count. [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off.] Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.

ROSS: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his lower back.]

END

이 중에서 몇 개만 확실히 외우면 성공입니다. 욕심을 버려야 합니다. 다 얻으려면 다 잃습니다. 자신에게 와닿는 표현들 몇 개만을 집중적으로 물고 늘어지시기 바랍니다. 선택과 집중! 자신에게 와닿는 표현이란? 자신과 궁합이 맞는 표현입니다. 결국 모든 영어를 다 할 수도 없고, 그럴 필요도 없는 겁니다. 자신과 잘 맞는 것만 선택해서 집중적으로 외우시기 바랍니다. 
 
자신과 궁합이 맞지 않는 표현들은 외워봐야 결국 못 써먹습니다. 입에서 나오지 않습니다. 결국 누구나 자신만의 영어를 할 수 밖에 없는 겁니다. 포기할 것은 빨리 포기하고 얻을 수 있는 것만 얻는 것! 이게 겸손한 방법이요, 산전수전 다 겪은 고수들의 방법입니다. 고수들은 자신의 한계를 분명히 아는 사람입니다. 자신의 한계를 벗어나지 않습니다. 그래서 고수들은 분명한 색깔을 가지고 있습니다. 색깔이 없는 사람은 아직 고수가 아닙니다. 아무 영어나 다 외우려고 하는 사람은 아직 아마추어 입니다.

The One With Barry and Mindy's Wedding

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally written by Ira Ungerleider.
Teleplay by Brown Mandell.
Transcribed by Eric B Aasen.
HTMLed by guineapig.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there as Joey enters]

RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go?

JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.

ALL: Who?

JOEY: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty.

ALL: Wow!

JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.

CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darn cute.

JOEY: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.

ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or you just do it.

JOEY: I did do it, I'm a professional.

MONICA: Then what's the problem?

JOEY: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.

PHOEBE: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing (Chandler and Monica, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: continued from earlier]

CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agent say?

JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.

MONICA: What, forget it!

RACHEL: Yeah, right.

JOEY: Come on, I need your help here.

PHOEBE: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again.

JOEY: You see this, this is a friend.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, let's go. (they move in to kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather passionately) Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.

JOEY: Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem?

MONICA: Joey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on.

JOEY: Yeah, that makes sense. (looks at Ross)

ROSS: Over my dead body! (Joey looks at Chandler)

CHANDLER: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Richard are there]

ROSS: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good.

(Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock)

PHOEBE: (laughing) Oh my God, you look so good!

RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous.

ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.

RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would.

MONICA: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him. (Rachel glares at her, and she retreats to safety between Richard's legs)

RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.

(Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and starts laughing)

PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action?

CHANDLER: I may have.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, stuud!

ROSS: What's she look like?

CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, geeek!

CHANDLER: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy...

ROSS: Get out!

RACHEL: Nooo!

MONICA: Please!

CHANDLER: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.

RACHEL: Wow! What's that like?

CHANDLER: It's like this, me, no jokes.

PHOEBE: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later.

ALL: Bye, Richard.

MONICA: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you.

RICHARD: I love you, too.

(Monica stares longingly at the door, after Richard leaves)

PHOEBE: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.

MONICA: What are you talking about? What wedding?

PHOEBE: Come on, like you never talk that.

MONICA: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?'

RACHEL: Afraid to ask him?

MONICA: Could not be more terrified.

CHANDLER: Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica are playing with Ben.]

MONICA: (holding up a blanket) Where's Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) Where's Benny, there he is.

RICHARD: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out.

MONICA: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure.

RICHARD: Okay.

MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future?

RICHARD: Sure I do.

MONICA: Yeah, am I in it?

RICHARD: Honey, you are in it.

MONICA: Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah!

MONICA: Keep talkin'.

RICHARD: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast.

MONICA: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?

RICHARD: Like a hound?

MONICA: Not a basset, a bassinet.

RICHARD: You really need the bassinet?

MONICA: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future.

RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RICHARD: Look I want you, now.

MONICA: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there, Chandler is talking to his new friend on the internet.]

JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.

CHANDLER: Joey, no means no!

[Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which makes her look like Little Bo Peep, and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hey!

CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep.

JOEY: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute (kisses her on the cheek, then looks at Ross) And you, uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him).

ROSS: Get away from me I said no!

MONICA: (entering) Richard buzzed. He's waiting downstairs.

JOEY: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say bye to him (runs out)

ALL: Bye.

PHOEBE: Bye, good luck.

(Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit)

PHOEBE: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen).

CHANDLER: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words.

PHOEBE: What does she mean by HH?

CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we're holding hands.

PHOEBE: Are you the cutest?

CHANDLER: I'm afraid I might just be.

PHOEBE: You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy.

CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.

PHOEBE: It could be like a big giant guy.

JOEY: (entering) Man, I got this close to him (holds up his fingers) and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on?

PHOEBE: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.

JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.

CHANDLER: How do you not fall down more?

PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?'

CHANDLER: All right. (reading her answer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married!

PHOEBE: Well at least we know she's a woman.

CHANDLER: I can't believe she's married.

JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and starts comfroting him looking for a kiss).

[Scene: Barry and Mindy's wedding, Monica and Richard are standing in the lobby]

MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.

RICHARD: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars.(they both start laughing at Richard's poor joke) See, we're having fun.

MONICA: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to think about.

RICHARD: Neither am I.

[Scene: later the bridesmaids and ushers are getting ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel]

ROSS: Hey, there.

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Are you all right?

RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.

ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.

RACHEL: God I know, you're right.

(Annoying wedding planner enters)

WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.

RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after the thing.

ROSS: Okay, good luck (kisses her and leaves)

RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay.

[Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: after the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in the lobby]

RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tell me!

ROSS: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'

RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.

ROSS: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad.

RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you.

MR. WINEBURG: Rachel!

RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg.

MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much.

MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see anything.

MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things!

MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear.

MR. WINEBURG: Stay well.

RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today.

MINDY: (entering) Rach! Rach!

RACHEL: Oh, hi!

MINDY: Oh my God, I'm married!

RACHEL: I know.

MINDY: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber.

RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min.

BARRY: (entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now.

RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about?

MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of....insane.

RACHEL: Insane!

MINDY: ...from the syphilis.

RACHEL: What?!

BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.]

JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into
his room)

(the computer bing, bongs)

PHOEBE: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong?

CHANDLER: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.

(bing, bong)

PHOEBE: Oh, my.

CHANDLER: What?

PHOEBE: She wants to meet you in person.

CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.

PHOEBE: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.

CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it!

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! (Chandler runs and picks up his shoes) Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as the computer bing-bongs) No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. (Chandler runs to the computer) No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Chandler walks slowly into the kitchen)

[Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.]

MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.

RICHARD: Okay, last chance. (Monica throws the candy and hits some woman in the back of the head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm sorry.

MONICA: You know what, maybe I don't need to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I...(sees two little girls dancing together) I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do.

BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his toast) I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel...

ALL: What?!

BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel...

RACHEL: What.

BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh)

ROSS: (standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that...

RACHEL: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding?

ROSS: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend.

RACHEL: Oh dear God.

ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Cheers.

RACHEL: (to Ross) She you in the parking lot.

ROSS: (runs after her) No, Rach!

BARRY: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um?

RACHEL: (after a pause with everyone staring at her, she goes up to the microphone) Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least *one* of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now, tonight, all I
really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except....(starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..."

ROSS: Marenge,

RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.."

ROSS: Everybody!

RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa....

[Scene: later, Richard and Monica are dancing]

RICHARD: Okay, I'll do it.

MONICA: You'll do what?

RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.

MONICA: Oh my God!

RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.

MONICA: Really?

RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.

MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'

RICHARD: But you're not.

MONICA: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.

RICHARD: God. I love you.

MONICA: I know you do. Me too. (pause) So what now?

RICHARD: I guess we just keep dancing.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick to arrive]

CHANDLER: Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?

RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.

CHANDLER: (noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.

ROSS: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.

PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...

(Chandler's date walks in)

CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice)

JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler rushes over and kisses her)

ALL: OH.....MY.....GOD!!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters]

ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).

JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.

END

Written by: Marta Kauffman and David Crane 

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]

Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

Chandler: All right Joey, be nice.  So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?

(They all stare, bemused.)

Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

[Time Lapse]

Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

Joey: Instead of...?

Chandler: That's right.

Joey: Never had that dream.

Phoebe: No.

Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.

Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?!

Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!

[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]

Ross: (mortified) Hi.

Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?

Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

Chandler: Cookie?

Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.

Joey: Ohh.

Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.

Ross: Thanks.

Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)

Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe: Fine!  Be murky!

Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica: No you don't.

Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...

Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?

Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.

Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what?  A wrong number?

Ross: Sorry.

Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?

(Ross gestures his consent.)

Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!

Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!

(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?

Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: Hi, sure!

Ross: Hi.

(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens.  He sits back down defeated again.  A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)

Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]

Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.

Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad?  Decide!

Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.

Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!

(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)

Phoebe:  If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:  Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.

Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...

Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!

[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]

Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string.  These are a few...

Rachel: I'm all better now.

Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!

Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.  The whole, 'hat' thing.

Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!

Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?

(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)

Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.

Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30?  Buzz him in!

Joey: Who's Paul?

Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?

Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?

Ross: He finally asked you out?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.

Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...

Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!

Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?

Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...

Monica: (horrified) Really?

Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!

Phoebe: What does that mean?   Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)

(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)

Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.

All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!

Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...

Ross: A wandering?

Monica: Change!  Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.

Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

(Monica goes to change.)

Joey:  Hey, Paul!

Paul: Yeah?

Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.

Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!

Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?

Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!

Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.

Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.

Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.  It's been kinda a long day.

Ross: Okay, sure.

Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]

Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.  La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]

Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.

(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)

Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.

Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.

Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?

Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.

Joey: Which goes where?

Chandler: I have no idea.

(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)

Joey: Done with the bookcase!

Chandler: All finished!

Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.

Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.

Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.

Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?

Ross: You guys.

Chandler: Oh, God.

Joey: You got screwed.

Chandler: Oh my God!

[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]

Monica: Oh my God!

Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?

Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-

Monica: -leg?

Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.

Monica: You actually broke her watch?  Wow!  The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.

Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.

Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]

Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me.  And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)

[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]

Ross: I'm divorced!  I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)

Ross: That only took me an hour.

Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.   You, however have had the love of a woman for four years.   Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it!  I don't think that was my point!

Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...

Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!

Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.

Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]

Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...

Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?

Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.

Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?

Paul: Isn't there?

Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say?

Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.

Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...

Paul: It's okay...

Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?

Paul: Two years.

Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!

Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?

Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci.]

Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.

Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.]

Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?

Joey: Great story!  But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea...  Oh man, (looks to Chandler)

Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats.

Joey: Right.  Thanks.  It's June.  I'm outta here. (Exits.)

Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)

[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.]

Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.

Chandler: That is amazing.

Joey: Congratulations.

Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.

Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.

Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...

Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here.

All: Morning. Good morning.

Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning.

Joey: Morning, Paul.

Rachel: Hello, Paul.

Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?

(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear.  The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)

Paul: Thank you!  Thank you so much!

Monica: Stop!

Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.

Monica: We'll talk later.

Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)

Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?

Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.

All: Okayyy! (They do so.)

Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...

Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?

Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.

Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.

Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?

Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.

Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.

Joey: Look, it was a job all right?

Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'

Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)

Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."

Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man.  Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.) Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.

Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?

Rachel: Oh, yeah.

Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.

Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.

Monica: Big time!

Rachel: Want a wedding dress?   Hardly used.

Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.

Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!

Monica: What for?

Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.

(Monica exits.)

[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]

Monica: How do you do that?

Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex!  So? Who?

Monica: You know Paul?

Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.

Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?

Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]

Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line!

Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?

Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.

Monica: I hate men!  I hate men!

Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe.

Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.   Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]

Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary?  I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.

Monica: All right, you ready?

Rachel: No.  No, no, I'm not ready!  How can I be ready?  "Hey, Rach!  You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?"  Come on, I can't do this!

Monica: You can, I know you can!

Rachel: I don't think so.

Ross: Come on, you made coffee!   You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)

Rachel: Y'know what?  I think we can just leave it at that.  It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...

Monica:  Rachel!  That was a library card!

All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..

Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)

Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!

Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.

Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.

(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)

Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again?

All: Yes!

Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.

Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya.

Ross: There's an image.

Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)

Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss?   More coffee?

Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry.  Okay, Las Vegas.

Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-

End

Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig

[Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]

Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's Company.]

Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!

Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?

Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!

(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there's a knock on the door which Monica answers.)

Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi.

Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right?

[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are pouring wine for their parents.]

[Time Lapse.]

Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer.

Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.

End